Maybe I'm just a little sensitive...okay, I'll be honest I'm probably the most overly-sensitive person I know. Sometimes this works in my favor, other times, not so much. But, I've been noticing something lately in the way people communicate self-dissatisfaction and I wanted to address it.
Wikipedia defines self-deprecation as "the act of belittling or undervaluing oneself. It can be used in humor and tension release."
Self-depreciative talk can sometimes be funny, comedians use it all the time for a laugh. But, for the most part, "in real life", it's not funny, it doesn't make you feel good about yourself (just reinforces negative thinking), and usually makes people around you feel awkward, annoyed, and possibly personally insulted. I know I've been on both ends of the spectrum.
As an example, a really common thing I see, among women in particular, is talking so much shit about their own bodies (and constantly in comparison to others and whatever their ideal body in their head might be) to one another. Recently, a friend of mine was complaining about her cellulite to me (which I have, too) and saying how "ugly" it was. I used to obsess about my cellulite/stretchmarks/blemishes but I kind of forgot about it because over the last few years of practicing Yoga I realized: Complaining about cellulite or anything occurring naturally on your body is like complaining that you don't like the uneven pattern of the rock formations in the Grand Canyon. You're "talkin' shit about a pretty sunset" (aw, Modest Mouse make me smile) basically. The human body is a vessel for the light of life, it's kind of awesome! So, respect it and take good care of it no matter what shape it takes.
Yoga practice and the Yogic teachings really helped me put my body image (and everything else) in perspective. I've grown to be comfortable with myself which at one point I thought was not possible. Yeah, there are days when I don't feel my best (like on days when I'm sleep/exercise/healthy-food-deprived) but, I have been trying to make it a point not to say what I'm thinking around other people when it comes to that.
When my friend made that passing comment, it reminded me of something I didn't really appreciate about my body at one point. As senseless as it is to have any kind of stigma against something that occurs as naturally in the human body as a pimple, her comment made me feel insecure for a minute. I'm sure she knows I have it too so what the hell would she say that for, right? (I'm not mad at her at all, she just wasn't thinking before speaking, which is a mistake I and most other people make all the time.) I know this wasn't her intention, but for a second I was thinking about what I could "do" about my body. What the fuck, right? Thankfully, I got my mind out of the gutter real quick because I knew I couldn't have the next thing I say reinforce her misguided beliefs about her body.
Instead of telling her "I have it along with 95% of humans too so, shut up!" My answer to her was "You know that you only think your cellulite is 'disgusting' because the media told you cellulite is disgusting, right? Cellulite has been around for all of human history, it didn't stop men and women from finding mates and reproducing...if you didn't have magazines and T.V. with retouched women, you wouldn't even think twice about it." I even went into the whole metaphysical idea that "you are not your body, etc", and that she eats well—lots of fresh fruits and veggies—and has a consistent workout routine, so her body is existing exactly as it should and she should thank it instead of curse it. She said she knew I was right but she still felt "gross". Sigh. You can lead a horse to water, right? It's sad how ingrained it is in our psyche that these things are to be despised in our own bodies—I'm not exempt, it's an active effort on my part to ignore those inclinations to talk badly about myself.
I don't want this blog to be about women and how we're constantly given negative messages about our bodies, and mixed messages ("You should love your body just the way it is!...Now go buy this expensive cellulite-removal cream that doesn't work!"; "Here's a recipe for decadent chocolate brownies!...HEY buy these diet pills!"; "Be sexy!...But not too sexy or else you're a whore!", etc etc) but, this was a good example of how self-depreciating talk can be inadvertently insulting.
When you say negative things about yourself, especially to friends, family and loved ones, it affects everyone involved. Even if what you say is not related to them personally (Superficial example: If you've got curly hair and you say you hate it when the person you're talking to also has curly hair; as opposed to if the person with you does not have curly hair...), the fact that you don't think so highly of yourself is a message to the other person that they must not know how to choose friends/mates, since you're saying you're so lousy...see what I'm getting at? It's insulting all around!
In the Yoga Sutra there are 5 Yamas (basically ethical guidelines, for those not familiar), three of them come to mind when I think about negative self-talk, and I use them to quell my urges to beat myself up:
1) Ahimsa, The first yama, is non-violence in thought, word, and deed, to all beings. This includes yourself, so, be as nice to yourself as you are to others. You would never go telling your friend their cellulite disgusts you (because it doesn't and shouldn't—unless you're a jerk...), so, don't do it to yourself.
2) Asteya, Non-covetousness/non-stealing—when you are dissatisfied with yourself (appearance in particular), it's probably because you're comparing yourself to or are jealous of someone else. Anytime you do that you're holding yourself to someone else's standards; create your own standards. Your standards for yourself should be high, higher than what anyone else may expect of you. Always go for what you want without fear of failure or disappointment, sometimes in failing you learn the most important lessons. Don't be jealous of others' success (or whatever it is they have/don't have that you wish you had/didn't have), rejoice in it, positive energy can light you up, negative energy will just keep you stuck in the darkness of disappointment.
3) Satya, Non-harming truth—sounds like exactly what it means—always be honest, but do so benevolently. There is always room for improvement, but we have to look at our self-critiques honestly and objectively. For example, you're not "stupid" because you have been procrastinating on a goal, you're just a human and life is crazy and we get caught up. The truth is not that you're stupid, the truth, without a negative story behind it, is that you've been putting something off for whatever reason. Instead of beating yourself up and doing nothing about it, start making a list to reach said goal.
I won't lie, I still slip up and make passing negative comments about myself to friends and family. While I may eventually stop saying these things out loud, I'll probably have to actively remind myself not to, because: "To have thoughts and beliefs is so human; to get caught up in them is so human; to learn to observe them is to practice yoga." (to quote Judith Hanson Lasater in a recent Elephant Journal interview.)
The best we can do is be hyper-self-aware and objective, not judgemental, in observing ourselves and how we think and act. Through that awareness, and cultivating it until it becomes second-nature, we can begin to interact more thoughtfully and compassionately with our world and ourselves.
How do you cope with a nasty inner-voice? Please share in the comment box below :)
Namasté <3
